Confession and Peace

It just hit me today that in the Eucharistic liturgy, the confession comes right before the passing of the peace.  I think that this is significant.  It is only after confessing corporately that we are sinners that we approach each other and offer a blessing of peace.  We cannot truly be at peace with each other if we are not penitent in our hearts.  It is only after confessing, "we have not loved you with our whole hearts and we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves," that we can truly enter into fellowship.

This reminds me that St. Benedict instructed that each of the times of prayer be ended with the Lord's Prayer.  He believed that the men and women should go into their days having just prayed, "forgive us our sins as we forgive each other."  Here again, community is dependent on being penitent.

Am I approaching the people around me with a penitent spirit, or do I think that I have all of my ducks in a row?  Am I living a live of humility or am I forcing my way on others.  Are there those whom I am struggling to love and forgive?  Looking to the day ahead, I realize that there is much room for me to grow in these areas.

The Prayer of Sleeping

I have a few times recently found myself praying in my dreams.  I have begun to wonder if it is possible to be in such a state of prayer than, even in my sleep I am praying.

Swimming in the Murky Waters

There are times when following Christ seems much more of a murkier business.  These are times when the right or wrong path seems less clear.  In some cases, there may not be a clear good path at all, but one must choose between two less-than-desirable options.  In these times, one may wonder if God can be glorified at all.  We may have to take an unpopular stand or buck the system some.  We may seem evil to someone.  In the end we must choose, making the best of the discernment process that we can.

In these times, it helps to be reminded of God's providence.  Before you were born, God knew that you would be in this position and he knew what choice you would make.  We must also remember that God is for us.  Take time to read Psalm 121.  The Lord is looking out for us.  We can always take comfort in that.

We may get less-than-stellar advice, and we may wonder if we have made a mistake.  We are all imperfect, and there will be mistakes.  There will be a time for reflection and repentance, but God understands this.  He doesn't require perfection.  He requires obedience.

I am still not sure how God can be glorified in some of these places.  We may feel like a failure.  We may have burned bridges that we wanted to preserve.  Relationships may be wounded and losses suffered by all. However, if we seek him, he will be glorified in the end.

Not Trying So Hard

I have to admit one of my vices now: being a first-born child, I have a strong desire to get things "right."  This urge has been  a great trial for me.  I put so much pressure on myself to do a good job, that I end up trying too hard and sabotage myself.  Not too long ago, I taught a Sunday School class.  I was teaching a subject that I knew rather well. It should have been natural for me to talk about it.  Instead, I allowed myself to choke under the burden of being spectacular.

I have been growing to find that in spiritual growth, this perfectionism is a great hindrance.  First, it assumes that we can get things perfectly, which is not possible.  Also, it misses the places where God is working in out imperfections to meet others.  I am slowly learning that rather than trying to be great, I should obediently follow the Lord trusting that he will work in me.  It is much more important to be present and to listen than it is to perform in most cases.

I am six months into my ordination.  I have not yet had many spectacular moments.  Most of my ministry is being faithful to my weekly duties.  Still, I have to trust that those ministries that God has put on my heart: ministries of mercy and spiritual formation, are being accomplished in the life of my parish in ways that I may not realize.  I do not have to try so hard, because God is at work in me and in the parish that I serve.

The Sacred Gaze

This morning, I was reading from Teresa of Avila's The  Story of My Life, and at one point stopped dead in my tracks.  I immediately felt myself drawn into a spirit of prayer.  Now, prayer takes many forms and most people think of prayer as talking with God.  This was different.  There was nothing said; nothing thought.  It was just a moment to sit in the sun of the light of the Son.  It was a moment when heart spoke to heart without words or images.  I was just being with Christ.   In this moment it was not necessary to say anything, but just to gaze on the goodness and greatness of God.  The moment came and went; it was not long.  But it was refreshment to the soul and strength to continue to walk in Christ.

Hope

I have recently had a few scary things happen. The latest was that my dog got terribly ill. This was not just any dog. He had come into my life at a crucial time and changed it. Many of the friends that I have had over the past few years were because of my dog. Last week, I took him to the vet because he had been vomiting. As it turns out, he was going to need invasive surgery. I was devastated. I was broke at the time and had no way to pay for it. I turned to God in prayer. I didn't want to put him down. I was in tears. I called my mother, my only living parent, to get advice. As it turns out, God provided all that was needed for him to get better.

 The world is a scary place. In 2008, I was ready to complete my advanced degree and enter the workforce of professionals. I had a good resume and years of experience. We all know what happened. Not only did many of my job prospects seem to disappear overnight, but half of my savings was lost in the downturn. When I did get that next job, it was for significantly less than I would have made just a couple of years before. I think that many of us have stories where things did not go as planned. Many of us have been laid off in the past at an inopportune time, or had an accident or illness right when we were getting back on our feet. I once heard about a tycoon who said that he would not feel truly secure util he had another billion in the bank.

 I have learned that there is not a lot that I can depend on in this life. It is too unpredictable. What I can count on is Jesus. I don't have to depend on the economy, a job or a relationship. My hope is anchored in the victory of Christ. The Kingdom has already come, though not in its fullness. All of the bad things that can happen to me have been overcome. I can rest assured that I will always be taken care of by Christ.

 I do have insurance on my dog now. Hope in Christ does not preclude planning as best as we can. But I still realize that there will always be things that my plan does not cover, and there are things from which my dog cannot survive. the same could be said for me. I'm okay with that.

Fasting

In much of the church today, we do not know what to make of fasting.  We know that the Bible teaches it, but we do not know why.  Many teach today that fasting is simply about time management: we skip meals to free up more time to pray.  I think that this misses the point.  Cassian  teaches that fasting, in the tradition of the desert fathers, is about learning impulse control.  The idea is that we need to practice impulse control in small things in order to be ready to practice it in larger areas.  So, we set up a way of denying our impulses in a controlled setting.  We resist the impulse to eat for a short time to build up our spiritual muscles of self-denial. I have found this to be at work in my own life.  In times when I am fasting regularly, I also tend to be more obedient.