Not Trying So Hard

I have to admit one of my vices now: being a first-born child, I have a strong desire to get things "right."  This urge has been  a great trial for me.  I put so much pressure on myself to do a good job, that I end up trying too hard and sabotage myself.  Not too long ago, I taught a Sunday School class.  I was teaching a subject that I knew rather well. It should have been natural for me to talk about it.  Instead, I allowed myself to choke under the burden of being spectacular.

I have been growing to find that in spiritual growth, this perfectionism is a great hindrance.  First, it assumes that we can get things perfectly, which is not possible.  Also, it misses the places where God is working in out imperfections to meet others.  I am slowly learning that rather than trying to be great, I should obediently follow the Lord trusting that he will work in me.  It is much more important to be present and to listen than it is to perform in most cases.

I am six months into my ordination.  I have not yet had many spectacular moments.  Most of my ministry is being faithful to my weekly duties.  Still, I have to trust that those ministries that God has put on my heart: ministries of mercy and spiritual formation, are being accomplished in the life of my parish in ways that I may not realize.  I do not have to try so hard, because God is at work in me and in the parish that I serve.

The Sacred Gaze

This morning, I was reading from Teresa of Avila's The  Story of My Life, and at one point stopped dead in my tracks.  I immediately felt myself drawn into a spirit of prayer.  Now, prayer takes many forms and most people think of prayer as talking with God.  This was different.  There was nothing said; nothing thought.  It was just a moment to sit in the sun of the light of the Son.  It was a moment when heart spoke to heart without words or images.  I was just being with Christ.   In this moment it was not necessary to say anything, but just to gaze on the goodness and greatness of God.  The moment came and went; it was not long.  But it was refreshment to the soul and strength to continue to walk in Christ.