In the Protestant tradition, we do not have a good way of
handling those who are single later into life.
Perhaps they have made a commitment to singleness for the sake of the
Kingdom. Perhaps they have preferred
marriage, but have not felt God leading in that direction. Perhaps they have just focused on other
things. Whatever the reason, the Church
often treats them like they are falling down on the job. They should be getting married and producing
families.
We often tend to look at singles as less mature. We talk about how being married and having
children matures a person. I have found
this to be a less-than-convincing argument.
I am sure that these life changes mature a person in many ways, but there
are plenty of immature parents and spouses in the world. We often forget that the solitude and silence
afforded by singleness can have a maturing effect on a person as well.
I have known many godly single people who have used their
singleness to grow in Christ. One man
that I have known for years uses his freedom to visit mission fields and
support missionaries. Another woman that
I know lives a life of service to her fellow believers, babysitting and praying
for their families. Another man has committed
himself to a life of contemplative prayer, resulting in spiritual gifts that he
is able to pass on to others. Some of
these singles are considered modern day saints to those closest to them.
At the root of a single life which is committed fully to God
is a denial of self. I often hear that
some have the gift of singleness and some have the gift of marriage, as if a
single person does not wrestle with the same desires that a married person
has. Just because a person has the “gift
of singleness” does not mean that he or she does not get lonely or long to feel
physical intimacy. One story of St Benedict is that one day, while thinking of
a woman, be became so inflamed with desire that he threw himself in a brier patch to get his mind off of it. Also,
St. Frances was reported to one have said in his later years, “I may yet have
children.” A single person is just as human as a married
person, but without the sexual or romantic outlets of a married person. Instead, a committed single person has to
choose not to engage in those types of relationship for the sake of
Christ. It is, in the truest sense of
the word, a green martyrdom. It is not
about waiting for marriage. Marriage may
never come. It is about loving Christ
above all else, even our own comfort.
In the city where I live, about 60% of the people are
single. Some are divorces, some widowed,
and some never married. Some are single
for a time, others are single for life. The
church needs to embrace the single adult, not by putting them in a class on the
other side of the building, but by fully incorporating them into the life of
the church. Singles are part of the Body
of Christ as much as large families.
Families cannot say to the single person, “we don’t need you.” It is only as we live and grow together as
one Body of Christ that we can be the fullness of the Church.
