Not Trying So Hard

I have to admit one of my vices now: being a first-born child, I have a strong desire to get things "right."  This urge has been  a great trial for me.  I put so much pressure on myself to do a good job, that I end up trying too hard and sabotage myself.  Not too long ago, I taught a Sunday School class.  I was teaching a subject that I knew rather well. It should have been natural for me to talk about it.  Instead, I allowed myself to choke under the burden of being spectacular.

I have been growing to find that in spiritual growth, this perfectionism is a great hindrance.  First, it assumes that we can get things perfectly, which is not possible.  Also, it misses the places where God is working in out imperfections to meet others.  I am slowly learning that rather than trying to be great, I should obediently follow the Lord trusting that he will work in me.  It is much more important to be present and to listen than it is to perform in most cases.

I am six months into my ordination.  I have not yet had many spectacular moments.  Most of my ministry is being faithful to my weekly duties.  Still, I have to trust that those ministries that God has put on my heart: ministries of mercy and spiritual formation, are being accomplished in the life of my parish in ways that I may not realize.  I do not have to try so hard, because God is at work in me and in the parish that I serve.

The Sacred Gaze

This morning, I was reading from Teresa of Avila's The  Story of My Life, and at one point stopped dead in my tracks.  I immediately felt myself drawn into a spirit of prayer.  Now, prayer takes many forms and most people think of prayer as talking with God.  This was different.  There was nothing said; nothing thought.  It was just a moment to sit in the sun of the light of the Son.  It was a moment when heart spoke to heart without words or images.  I was just being with Christ.   In this moment it was not necessary to say anything, but just to gaze on the goodness and greatness of God.  The moment came and went; it was not long.  But it was refreshment to the soul and strength to continue to walk in Christ.

Hope

I have recently had a few scary things happen. The latest was that my dog got terribly ill. This was not just any dog. He had come into my life at a crucial time and changed it. Many of the friends that I have had over the past few years were because of my dog. Last week, I took him to the vet because he had been vomiting. As it turns out, he was going to need invasive surgery. I was devastated. I was broke at the time and had no way to pay for it. I turned to God in prayer. I didn't want to put him down. I was in tears. I called my mother, my only living parent, to get advice. As it turns out, God provided all that was needed for him to get better.

 The world is a scary place. In 2008, I was ready to complete my advanced degree and enter the workforce of professionals. I had a good resume and years of experience. We all know what happened. Not only did many of my job prospects seem to disappear overnight, but half of my savings was lost in the downturn. When I did get that next job, it was for significantly less than I would have made just a couple of years before. I think that many of us have stories where things did not go as planned. Many of us have been laid off in the past at an inopportune time, or had an accident or illness right when we were getting back on our feet. I once heard about a tycoon who said that he would not feel truly secure util he had another billion in the bank.

 I have learned that there is not a lot that I can depend on in this life. It is too unpredictable. What I can count on is Jesus. I don't have to depend on the economy, a job or a relationship. My hope is anchored in the victory of Christ. The Kingdom has already come, though not in its fullness. All of the bad things that can happen to me have been overcome. I can rest assured that I will always be taken care of by Christ.

 I do have insurance on my dog now. Hope in Christ does not preclude planning as best as we can. But I still realize that there will always be things that my plan does not cover, and there are things from which my dog cannot survive. the same could be said for me. I'm okay with that.

Fasting

In much of the church today, we do not know what to make of fasting.  We know that the Bible teaches it, but we do not know why.  Many teach today that fasting is simply about time management: we skip meals to free up more time to pray.  I think that this misses the point.  Cassian  teaches that fasting, in the tradition of the desert fathers, is about learning impulse control.  The idea is that we need to practice impulse control in small things in order to be ready to practice it in larger areas.  So, we set up a way of denying our impulses in a controlled setting.  We resist the impulse to eat for a short time to build up our spiritual muscles of self-denial. I have found this to be at work in my own life.  In times when I am fasting regularly, I also tend to be more obedient.

God's providence and my life

the other day at a social event I found myself in the company of parents sharing stories of their children.  Having not been married and having no children of my own, I made an awkward comment on my nieces and nephews who are a regular part of my life.  I could see them giving me that look that says, "You have no idea."  Most adults my age have families, and I often find myself in a "party of one."  So, a day later I am thinking about my life and what direction it might have taken in another reality.

I have always felt that I was in God's will.  Even in the less than spectacular choices and in my stumbling, I have always been convinced that I was generally where God wanted me at the time.  I had other options in times past, but did not sense God in them, so I passed them up.  Still, I sometimes stop and wonder.

In the end, it is all about how much I trust the providence of God.  There is nothing in my life that has taken God by surprise.  His hand has been on me all the way.  If I am living in obedience to him, then I have to trust that his plan for my life is being fulfilled.  I have to trust that those memories that I will never have and the live that I never will live is not the best that God has for me.  I have to trust that the life that I have is the one that will most impact God's kingdom.

For me, following God has meant sacrifice, but I am coming to terms with God's plan for my life.  This plan may not be one that most can understand.  Spiritually, it has often been a call to the desert, but I have found a measure of peace and joy in it.  I still struggle some times to trust God's providence, but I am growing in faith

Sharing

The other day a sister shared a deep concern with me.  I shared that I too had gone through something similar. I could see that my sharing did not please her.  It was only afterwards that I understood that what she wanted was not to know that I could relate, but that I had heard and having heard would lift her up to the Lord.

The Wild Goose

The Celts often referred to God as the Wild Goose.  I have often felt this to be an appealing image.  the idea behind it was that there was an aspect of God which was always unexpected and wild in a good sense.  We see this a lot in the prophets, especially for me in Isaiah 20.  Here God commanded Isaiah to preach naked for three years.  the first time that I really understood what was going on in this passage, I thought, "God, what were you thinking."  It shook my sensibilities.  Here was God commanding public nudity.  Now, there are those who will try to explain it away in an attempt to make it meet our sense of decency, but I think that the passage is pretty clear.

How often we have tried to tame God, either making him into some type of Santa Clause, or other bearded old man.  Sometimes, especially in our worship, we sentimentalize him, making him more like a Precious Moments figurine.  We do not like a God with hard edges.  We want a fuzzy, warm God.

However, I think that the Celts were comforted by this image.  They say God as ever being able to surprise them by his goodness.  They saw him as a creative force.  They saw in this image a God that was beyond our completely figuring out.

God has revealed himself, but that revelation is limited to what we can take in.  There are parts of God which will forever be beyond our comprehension.