Hope

Father,

There was a time when things seemed more obvious, like all of heaven was smiling down on me.  A job came to me without my looking.  I had a great apartment.  My star was rising it seamed.  How suddenly things can come crashing down.

Now I find myself penniless (nearly) and two months from being homeless for a while.  Ahead of me I see a call that is burning in my soul.  How to get there?  I look to see the road ahead, but it is all a mist of "what if."   Common sense says that it can't work.  Pessimism says that many fall and never rise again: why should I be any different.

But there is you, and I know that you hold me in your hand.  You never promised that things would be easy.  You never promised that there would not be real danger.  But you did promise that you would not let me fall.  You hold me in your hand and you will not drop me.

I reach out in faith, knowing that I am loved and called: knowing that he who died for me will sustain me in life.  Now I know that it is not "what if," but "when" and "wait and see how."  My anxiety falls away because I know that there is no chance: there is no "this is what I deserve."  There is only love and grace.

Amen.

Obedience

I have been thinking a bout obedience a lot lately.  I have to admit, I struggle with it some.  As a visionary and a creative person, I sometimes find it challenging.  There are many in my life that I find easy to obey.  They have a way that works well with me.  Their goals and values are much like mine.  But sometimes obedience is more of a challenge.  I may not agree with a law or a policy.  I may think that my way of doing things is better.  I may thing that another way of doing things will be disastrous.

Obedience in the Benedictine sense is not blind obedience.  We are not mindless robots.  We can disagree with a plan or decision. We can speak out humbly if we disagree with something.  However, our ultimate motivation is not being right but love.  It is out of love for Christ and our brothers and sisters that we obey.  It is also out of an awareness of our own limitations.

There may be times when we cannot obey.  A few years ago, I left a job because I felt that I could not in good conscience obey a policy.  There has been another time or two when I had to disobey when I though that I could  not obey in a way that would not violate my values, ethics or the law.. In those times, I acted as respectably as I could and trusted myself to God.  In ever case so far, God has intervened. 

purgation

I am thinking of the song "All to Jesus I surrender."  I grew up with that song.  As many times as I have sung it, I still struggle to surrender parts of my life.  So many things are tied to my identity; career, where I live, what I do with my free time.  Am I willing to surrender all of those parts of my life to God.  What if God does not want me to be successful in my career?  What if God does not want me to live where I want to live.? What if God wants me to surrender some of my favorite pastimes?  I may have given up many things, but I still struggle with key areas of my life.

God does not ask us to give up so much just to make us suffer.  I used to think that.  I used to think that God was a cosmic drill sergeant who wants to break us down so he cam build us back up.  God is not like that, but he knows that we will sometimes make idols in this life.  those areas that we will not surrender are areas in our lives that keep us from God.  God wants to give us more than this live could ever offer: he wants to give us himself.  The only think that he asks is that we be focused on him.

Lately, I have been trying to let go of some things that I have held on to too tightly.  I was convinced that if I wanted to be liked or respected, I had to hold on to my little idols.  I am learning to let go. That is the meaning of purgation: letting go of those things that get between us and God.   I still have a long way to go, but perhaps, by the grace of God, I am getting one small baby step closer.

Thinking of Tomorrow

Father,

I know not what the future holds, whether good or ill awaits me tomorrow.  Speaking as a human, I cannot know if I will have food or a roof over my head next month or next year.  So much of life seems like a torrid wind that blows this little leaf about.  All my planning and dreaming may amount to nothing if the economy goes this way or that.  My fortune may rest in a decision made thousands of miles away by someone who has never met me.

The other day, a man told me that he thought that it was just chance that the church is what it is, that it could have gone the other way if those we called heretics won the day. We talked for a while about those who came long before we were born, as much as we knew of them.  After a while I asked him, “What if it was not all just chance: what if there was providence behind it all?”

We do not live in a world of fate or chance.  Every day is ordered by you.  That day ahead of me, the day that I fear, is already resolved in you.  I need not fear tomorrow, because you are already there making a path for me.  In peace I can lay down tonight and sleep, for it is you Lord who keep me safe.

Humility

Father;

 You have called us to put on the humility of Christ, yet I find that I so fear it.  I so often find myself growing indignant at any little mistreatment.  I feel the need to stand up for my rights.  I raise my chin, square my solders and look the world in the eyes.  How far short I fall from Christ, who bore the scourging of leather, bone and shards.  I so little bear the lashing of tongues.  Christ’s flesh was torn on my behalf, but I shrink from the smallest wounding my pride.

You said that you raise the lowly.  Do I trust you for that?  Do I trust that the more I am humbled on earth, the more I am raised up in Heaven?  Do I trust that you will be my advocate, so I need not be?  How little my faith must appear to you.  Such little trouble and I doubt.  Help my unbelief.

Help me father to bear the heel of man if that means the kiss of God.  Help me to feel so secure in your love and pleasure in me so that I do not care how some devalue me.  Help me, following Christ, to bear the cross that you have given me so that I might take hold of the glory that you have in store for me.  In all that befalls me, help me to feel secure in your love of me.

Amen.

Confession and Peace

It just hit me today that in the Eucharistic liturgy, the confession comes right before the passing of the peace.  I think that this is significant.  It is only after confessing corporately that we are sinners that we approach each other and offer a blessing of peace.  We cannot truly be at peace with each other if we are not penitent in our hearts.  It is only after confessing, "we have not loved you with our whole hearts and we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves," that we can truly enter into fellowship.

This reminds me that St. Benedict instructed that each of the times of prayer be ended with the Lord's Prayer.  He believed that the men and women should go into their days having just prayed, "forgive us our sins as we forgive each other."  Here again, community is dependent on being penitent.

Am I approaching the people around me with a penitent spirit, or do I think that I have all of my ducks in a row?  Am I living a live of humility or am I forcing my way on others.  Are there those whom I am struggling to love and forgive?  Looking to the day ahead, I realize that there is much room for me to grow in these areas.

The Prayer of Sleeping

I have a few times recently found myself praying in my dreams.  I have begun to wonder if it is possible to be in such a state of prayer than, even in my sleep I am praying.

Swimming in the Murky Waters

There are times when following Christ seems much more of a murkier business.  These are times when the right or wrong path seems less clear.  In some cases, there may not be a clear good path at all, but one must choose between two less-than-desirable options.  In these times, one may wonder if God can be glorified at all.  We may have to take an unpopular stand or buck the system some.  We may seem evil to someone.  In the end we must choose, making the best of the discernment process that we can.

In these times, it helps to be reminded of God's providence.  Before you were born, God knew that you would be in this position and he knew what choice you would make.  We must also remember that God is for us.  Take time to read Psalm 121.  The Lord is looking out for us.  We can always take comfort in that.

We may get less-than-stellar advice, and we may wonder if we have made a mistake.  We are all imperfect, and there will be mistakes.  There will be a time for reflection and repentance, but God understands this.  He doesn't require perfection.  He requires obedience.

I am still not sure how God can be glorified in some of these places.  We may feel like a failure.  We may have burned bridges that we wanted to preserve.  Relationships may be wounded and losses suffered by all. However, if we seek him, he will be glorified in the end.

Not Trying So Hard

I have to admit one of my vices now: being a first-born child, I have a strong desire to get things "right."  This urge has been  a great trial for me.  I put so much pressure on myself to do a good job, that I end up trying too hard and sabotage myself.  Not too long ago, I taught a Sunday School class.  I was teaching a subject that I knew rather well. It should have been natural for me to talk about it.  Instead, I allowed myself to choke under the burden of being spectacular.

I have been growing to find that in spiritual growth, this perfectionism is a great hindrance.  First, it assumes that we can get things perfectly, which is not possible.  Also, it misses the places where God is working in out imperfections to meet others.  I am slowly learning that rather than trying to be great, I should obediently follow the Lord trusting that he will work in me.  It is much more important to be present and to listen than it is to perform in most cases.

I am six months into my ordination.  I have not yet had many spectacular moments.  Most of my ministry is being faithful to my weekly duties.  Still, I have to trust that those ministries that God has put on my heart: ministries of mercy and spiritual formation, are being accomplished in the life of my parish in ways that I may not realize.  I do not have to try so hard, because God is at work in me and in the parish that I serve.

The Sacred Gaze

This morning, I was reading from Teresa of Avila's The  Story of My Life, and at one point stopped dead in my tracks.  I immediately felt myself drawn into a spirit of prayer.  Now, prayer takes many forms and most people think of prayer as talking with God.  This was different.  There was nothing said; nothing thought.  It was just a moment to sit in the sun of the light of the Son.  It was a moment when heart spoke to heart without words or images.  I was just being with Christ.   In this moment it was not necessary to say anything, but just to gaze on the goodness and greatness of God.  The moment came and went; it was not long.  But it was refreshment to the soul and strength to continue to walk in Christ.

Hope

I have recently had a few scary things happen. The latest was that my dog got terribly ill. This was not just any dog. He had come into my life at a crucial time and changed it. Many of the friends that I have had over the past few years were because of my dog. Last week, I took him to the vet because he had been vomiting. As it turns out, he was going to need invasive surgery. I was devastated. I was broke at the time and had no way to pay for it. I turned to God in prayer. I didn't want to put him down. I was in tears. I called my mother, my only living parent, to get advice. As it turns out, God provided all that was needed for him to get better.

 The world is a scary place. In 2008, I was ready to complete my advanced degree and enter the workforce of professionals. I had a good resume and years of experience. We all know what happened. Not only did many of my job prospects seem to disappear overnight, but half of my savings was lost in the downturn. When I did get that next job, it was for significantly less than I would have made just a couple of years before. I think that many of us have stories where things did not go as planned. Many of us have been laid off in the past at an inopportune time, or had an accident or illness right when we were getting back on our feet. I once heard about a tycoon who said that he would not feel truly secure util he had another billion in the bank.

 I have learned that there is not a lot that I can depend on in this life. It is too unpredictable. What I can count on is Jesus. I don't have to depend on the economy, a job or a relationship. My hope is anchored in the victory of Christ. The Kingdom has already come, though not in its fullness. All of the bad things that can happen to me have been overcome. I can rest assured that I will always be taken care of by Christ.

 I do have insurance on my dog now. Hope in Christ does not preclude planning as best as we can. But I still realize that there will always be things that my plan does not cover, and there are things from which my dog cannot survive. the same could be said for me. I'm okay with that.

Fasting

In much of the church today, we do not know what to make of fasting.  We know that the Bible teaches it, but we do not know why.  Many teach today that fasting is simply about time management: we skip meals to free up more time to pray.  I think that this misses the point.  Cassian  teaches that fasting, in the tradition of the desert fathers, is about learning impulse control.  The idea is that we need to practice impulse control in small things in order to be ready to practice it in larger areas.  So, we set up a way of denying our impulses in a controlled setting.  We resist the impulse to eat for a short time to build up our spiritual muscles of self-denial. I have found this to be at work in my own life.  In times when I am fasting regularly, I also tend to be more obedient.

God's providence and my life

the other day at a social event I found myself in the company of parents sharing stories of their children.  Having not been married and having no children of my own, I made an awkward comment on my nieces and nephews who are a regular part of my life.  I could see them giving me that look that says, "You have no idea."  Most adults my age have families, and I often find myself in a "party of one."  So, a day later I am thinking about my life and what direction it might have taken in another reality.

I have always felt that I was in God's will.  Even in the less than spectacular choices and in my stumbling, I have always been convinced that I was generally where God wanted me at the time.  I had other options in times past, but did not sense God in them, so I passed them up.  Still, I sometimes stop and wonder.

In the end, it is all about how much I trust the providence of God.  There is nothing in my life that has taken God by surprise.  His hand has been on me all the way.  If I am living in obedience to him, then I have to trust that his plan for my life is being fulfilled.  I have to trust that those memories that I will never have and the live that I never will live is not the best that God has for me.  I have to trust that the life that I have is the one that will most impact God's kingdom.

For me, following God has meant sacrifice, but I am coming to terms with God's plan for my life.  This plan may not be one that most can understand.  Spiritually, it has often been a call to the desert, but I have found a measure of peace and joy in it.  I still struggle some times to trust God's providence, but I am growing in faith

Sharing

The other day a sister shared a deep concern with me.  I shared that I too had gone through something similar. I could see that my sharing did not please her.  It was only afterwards that I understood that what she wanted was not to know that I could relate, but that I had heard and having heard would lift her up to the Lord.

The Wild Goose

The Celts often referred to God as the Wild Goose.  I have often felt this to be an appealing image.  the idea behind it was that there was an aspect of God which was always unexpected and wild in a good sense.  We see this a lot in the prophets, especially for me in Isaiah 20.  Here God commanded Isaiah to preach naked for three years.  the first time that I really understood what was going on in this passage, I thought, "God, what were you thinking."  It shook my sensibilities.  Here was God commanding public nudity.  Now, there are those who will try to explain it away in an attempt to make it meet our sense of decency, but I think that the passage is pretty clear.

How often we have tried to tame God, either making him into some type of Santa Clause, or other bearded old man.  Sometimes, especially in our worship, we sentimentalize him, making him more like a Precious Moments figurine.  We do not like a God with hard edges.  We want a fuzzy, warm God.

However, I think that the Celts were comforted by this image.  They say God as ever being able to surprise them by his goodness.  They saw him as a creative force.  They saw in this image a God that was beyond our completely figuring out.

God has revealed himself, but that revelation is limited to what we can take in.  There are parts of God which will forever be beyond our comprehension.

Why Call Me?

I remember looking at the magazine that is put out by my alumni association.  I remember reading about all of he great things that others have done.  Some make movies.  Some are IT successes.  Some are powerful leaders of industry.  Most of them are great people.  It is humbling.  It is too easy to make comparisons and ask what I have done with my life.

Have you ever wondered why God called you.  I know I have.  There are many more people in the  world with many more talents than I have.  There are many more in the world who have done a better job of managing their lives.  My life is now half-way through and it seems that I am just getting started.  I have not made waves.  I have not made my mark and perhaps never will.

In 1 Corinthians, Paul said that not many wise, or powerful or upper crust are called. Perhaps too many of us feel like we fit this description.  For every superstar, there are thousands who are just trying to get by.  But we are the ones that God has mostly called.  It doesn't make sense.  It is not what I would have done, but then I am not God.  Not even close.  All I can do is lay myself at God's feet to use.  But God has a mysterious way of taking those of us who are not great, not powerful and not important and doing great, powerful and important things.  The odd thing is that we may never  notice it.  We are just following God day-by-day and somewhere along the way in an almost "slight of hand" way, God works his wonders. Then, one day,if we are attentive,  we may turn around to see that behind us lay a trail of gospel works like little rose petals strewn along the path of our life.  It still may not make sense to us, but it is amazing.

Taking it to God

In our society, we are tempted to think that money is the solution to far too many of our problems.  I remember as a student, then for several years after, I struggled to meet my most basic needs.  I remember thinking that if I only made this much money, then all of my needs would be met.  Well, now I make that amount of money and the demands on my resources have grown as well.  Some of this is due to increasing responsibility.  Others are because of other life changes (I am now in seminary).  Still other demands on  my earnings are simply due to poor decisions.

 Lately, I have been trying to learn the discipline of putting my needs before God.  Instead of saying to myself, "if only I had the money I could do such and such,"  I am trying to put my needs first before God to see how he may want to address the situation.  In many ways, he was supplied true needs in other ways than a shopping trip.  Other times, he has not.  I have often found that if I wait on God, things have a way of coming my way.  I even was once sold a perfectly good car for $20, when my older car was nearing its end.

I still occasionally make bad decisions, but I am learning.   I am also beginning to feel less stressed by those unexpected needs that seem to catch us by surprise.  This is not an excuse to use God as our cosmic sugar daddy.  It is, however taking true needs and desires before the God of the universe trusting that he is generous God who is genuinely concerned with our well-being.

All Put Together or (Im)perfectionism part II

when I was in high school, I had as a classmate a young woman who got up in the morning hours before her family so that even her family would not see her without her makeup on.  This reminds me of how much time and energy that we as Christians put in to giving the appearance that spiritually we are "put together."  We know all the best answers to the questions.  We know how to look pious. Looking from the outside, one might think that we have it all together, but it is just makeup.

I recently read a book by a recovering alcoholic.  I like being around recovering alcoholics.  They have already come to the end of themselves.  They have already failed, and they have owned up to it.  The author talked at great lengths about how much we depend on the grace of God in our lives.  He said that it is okay to be imperfect, struggling, even a failure, because that is often where we meet God's grace.

The other day, I saw a commercial for a morning talk show where the theme was that everyone on the show wore no makeup.  I don't know much about women, but I know that to be on national television without makeup must take a big dose of courage.  Perhaps we need to be more like that in our lives.  I'm not suggesting that we all start divulging our deepest secrets, but perhaps we can be a little more honest with others and with ourselves.  Perhaps we need to be more like the Apostle Paul who wrote that he gloried in his weakness because in his weakens, God's strength is shown.

(Im)perfectionsim

I have to admit that I struggle with perfectionism.  Perhaps it is because I am a first-born, or perhaps it is because my father tended to be critical at times.  Perfectionism is one of the most depressing vices, because a perfectionist is guaranteed always to fail miserably.  Furthermore, out of all the people on earth, I must be one of the least likely to ever be perfect.  In fact, even by everyday standards, I have had more failures in my life than successes.  Some may even say that I am the poster boy for getting stuck on the lower rungs of the proverbial ladder.

The other day, I gave a rather difficult sermon.  I prayed before during and after.  I approached my study and meditation on the passage with a sincere desire to follow the leadership of Christ.  I knew that it would not necessarily be a popular topic.  The week after giving it, I found myself second guessing it. Were my  motive pure enough? Did I say the right things in the right way?  I then remember something that my father said when I was young.  My father was an associate pastor and music pastor at most of the churches that I ever attended until college.  He one day told me that when he sang in church, he sometimes did not know if he sang for God or simply because he loved to sing.  He said that in the end he had to trust the grace of God and that God knew his heart.  I will probably never preach a perfect sermon with a perfect heart, but that is not what God asks.  God asks that I put my less than perfect gifts at his feet and allow him to shape them according to his purpose. Through the power of God,  even my miserable attempts to reach the heights of mediocre accomplishments can be powerful tools in the hands of God.  This give me hope.

 

Homily on Luke 7: 36-50 Part 2

            The Pharisee did not understand.  How could Jesus let this woman touch him?  Did he not know who she was? Jesus seeing his confusion told a parable. In this parable, there are two people who owe money.  The text gives the debt in terms of the ancient coinage the denarius.  I saw one of these the other day.  It is a rather small coin.  It was what soldiers would have been paid for a day’s wage.  In the terms of today, one of the men in this parable owed about two months’ worth of wages, and the other owed about two years’ worth of wages.  Think of this in terms of credit card debt.  If one owed two months’ worth of wages in credit card debt would be difficult to pay off, but it could be done.  Imagine what it would be like if someone owed two years’ worth of wages on a high interest credit card.  Imagine the constant calls from creditors.  Imagine trying to pay it off, but feeling like you are making no progress.  It feels like the debt will always be there and there is nothing that you can do about it.  Imagine if some corporate raider came to you and said that he is forgiving the debt, no questions asked.  This would be totally out of character.  You would be immensely grateful.

            After telling this story, Jesus asked which would be more grateful, the one who owed little or the one that owed a lot.  I think that we would agree with the Pharisee that the one who owed two years wages would be more grateful for having his debt dismissed.  But this was a trick question.

            One of my favorite stories from the early desert fathers, the very first monks in the 3^rd and 4^th centuries is about a group of monks who came to Abbot Moses.  Abbot Moses was a great spiritual teacher.  On day, several monks came to Abbot Moses complaining about the sins of another monk.  The monks demanded that the abbot should punish the wayward brother.  The wise abbot asked for some time to think about this request.  He returned to his little room, shut the door and remained there for a good while.  Finally he cane running out with a long rope tied to is waist and dragging for many feet behind him.  The monks called out Abbot Moses, what are you doing.  He replied, I am coming to you as fast as I can, but my sins are trailing behind me.

            This reminds me of a popular story from the life of G.K. Chesterton.  Chesterton was a famous writer who died in the early 20^th century.  He was immensely popular during his day and was a huge influence on C. S. Lewis.  According to the story a reporter for the London Times wrote an article reflecting on some of the problems of his time.  He ended his article with the statement, “What’s wrong with the world?”  Chesterton wrote the editor, “Dear editor, what’s wrong with the world? I am. Faithfully yours, G.K. Chesterton.”

            What Chesterton and Abbot Moses both realized is that the real sin problem is with us.  The answer to the trick question is that there are no debtors who only owe a little: in other words there are no little sinners.  St Augustine, commenting on this passage said, “You love but little, because you really think that you are only forgiven of a little.  It’s not because little really is forgiven you, but because you think that what you have been forgiven of is only a little.”^[1]We all have more sin in us than we realize.  In fact, I think that most of us walk around in oblivion to this fact.   C. S. Lewis once wrote that it is easy to be good when things are going our way.  Augustine continues to say that the reason that we have not committed as many sins as we could have is that the place and time were just not right to allow the sin to ripen.

Some may find themselves  saying, “I know that I have sins but they are not really that bad.”  Let’s face it; it is all too easy to grow comfortable with our own sins.  This next story is a little embarrassing, but it illustrates this point well.   When I was a young man just out of college, I lived in the back corner of a large apartment complex.  The dumpster for my complex was in the front nearly a quarter of a mile away.  I hated schlepping the garbage all that way, so I often procrastinated. Occasionally, I waited a day too long, and my apartment became rather odoriferous.  That is a polite way of saying that it stank.  Usually, I would take it out at that moment, but I often found that if I didn't the next day it didn't smell anymore.  At least not until a friend walked in. Fortunately, I have learned to become a little better housekeeper.  In many ways it is the same with our sins.  What may be a minor inconvenience to us may be intolerable to another.  In reality, it is even our smallest sins that are responsible for the torturous death of Christ.  We all stand guilty of crucifying Jesus.

To be continued

---

^[1] Augustine of Hippo. (1888). Sermons on Selected Lessons of the New Testament R. G. MacMullen, Trans.). In P. Schaff (Ed.), A Select Library of the Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers of the Christian Church, First Series, Volume VI: Saint Augustin: Sermon on the Mount, Harmony of the Gospels, Homilies on the Gospels (P. Schaff, Ed.) (417). New York: Christian Literature Company.