Obedience

I have been thinking a bout obedience a lot lately.  I have to admit, I struggle with it some.  As a visionary and a creative person, I sometimes find it challenging.  There are many in my life that I find easy to obey.  They have a way that works well with me.  Their goals and values are much like mine.  But sometimes obedience is more of a challenge.  I may not agree with a law or a policy.  I may think that my way of doing things is better.  I may thing that another way of doing things will be disastrous.

Obedience in the Benedictine sense is not blind obedience.  We are not mindless robots.  We can disagree with a plan or decision. We can speak out humbly if we disagree with something.  However, our ultimate motivation is not being right but love.  It is out of love for Christ and our brothers and sisters that we obey.  It is also out of an awareness of our own limitations.

There may be times when we cannot obey.  A few years ago, I left a job because I felt that I could not in good conscience obey a policy.  There has been another time or two when I had to disobey when I though that I could  not obey in a way that would not violate my values, ethics or the law.. In those times, I acted as respectably as I could and trusted myself to God.  In ever case so far, God has intervened. 

purgation

I am thinking of the song "All to Jesus I surrender."  I grew up with that song.  As many times as I have sung it, I still struggle to surrender parts of my life.  So many things are tied to my identity; career, where I live, what I do with my free time.  Am I willing to surrender all of those parts of my life to God.  What if God does not want me to be successful in my career?  What if God does not want me to live where I want to live.? What if God wants me to surrender some of my favorite pastimes?  I may have given up many things, but I still struggle with key areas of my life.

God does not ask us to give up so much just to make us suffer.  I used to think that.  I used to think that God was a cosmic drill sergeant who wants to break us down so he cam build us back up.  God is not like that, but he knows that we will sometimes make idols in this life.  those areas that we will not surrender are areas in our lives that keep us from God.  God wants to give us more than this live could ever offer: he wants to give us himself.  The only think that he asks is that we be focused on him.

Lately, I have been trying to let go of some things that I have held on to too tightly.  I was convinced that if I wanted to be liked or respected, I had to hold on to my little idols.  I am learning to let go. That is the meaning of purgation: letting go of those things that get between us and God.   I still have a long way to go, but perhaps, by the grace of God, I am getting one small baby step closer.